Man, Woman or Person Who Swallowed a Box?

I was faced with this at the Thornhill Park and Ride, outside Oxford, while dying for a wee, and so I did not at all appreciate being subjected to an extra two seconds' wait to work out whether I was going into the correct toilet.

Yes, you will now say to me that I really should have just focussed on the tiny skirt (?) or tilted my head sideways to read the very arty-farty metal lettering that, in case you are wondering, says FEMALE. Let's face it, wouldn't it have been easier to have it just read 'Women' or 'Ladies' with the usual bog-standard stick figure image? 

As an aside, I find it intriguing and mildly amusing that Baby Nappy Changing Units are always located in the Ladies' toilet if there isn't enough space to give them a separate room. Are there never any men who may a) travel alone with babies and/or b) would like to change their babies' nappies?

Where's my sharp tongue when I need it most?

Background: Dot gets his hair cut on the parade of shops just round the corner from where we live. The main-man barber is a genial gent called Gary. In Gary's absence, his Algerian Muslim sidekick fills in. Also on the parade is the traditional local chippy (slang for fish-and-chips shop) which is not-so-traditionally run by a Punjabi family from Birmingham, who are probably way more British than I am. More on that/them later sometime.

Dot went to get his hair cut on Saturday morning and Mr. Haircutting Sidekick is the one cutting his hair. He asks Dot, while going through the motions of cutting his hair, are you related to the chap who runs the chippy?

Dot narrated this episode to me back at home, half annoyed, half amused. I said "you should've replied: I'm related to him in about the same way as you are related to Osama bin Laden. That would've shut him right up."

The "where are you from" or "does the caste system still exist in India" line of questioning does get my goat. Nevertheless, I am happy to put it down to mostly curiosity and sometimes ignorance, and I am even happier to help piece together the puzzle of my brown skin, Western name and surname, and my being a baptised Roman Catholic. I assure you, this has made for many an enlightened dinner conversation.

Yet, it happens very rarely that someone will say something so  racially ignorant it makes me cringe, and in even rarer cases, it will be offensive and make me hopping mad. Trouble is, in those very rare instances, instead of telling them exactly what I think, I am reduced to a quivering angry mess and blurt out something lame in response or, worse still, say nothing at all and smile. 

Ah well. I suppose I'll get them next time.

P.S. I have to shamefacedly admit that this incident happened close to six months ago and so did the post. Please do not bite.

I'm a Spelling Nazi

There. I've said it. Over the years, after offending many when I have pointed their spelling transgressions out to them, I have learned to "internalize my trauma" (thank you Chinty for that fabulous phrase).

Here are some gems from my work e-mail that make my blood curdle:

wierd for weird
must of for must've
accessable for accessible
defininately for definitely
refered for referred
seperate for separate
indispensible for indispensable
guage for gauge
effect for affect (and vice versa)

Cringe with me, and don't get me started on text/SMS-speak.

P.S. Now that I've said this, it will all blow up in my face with people trawling my blog for spelling mistakes. Help!

Baby Cute, Baby Beautiful

I've had a few e-mail requests lately from very enthusiastic parents requesting me to vote for their babies in some random online contest or other called "Cutest Baby" or "Most Beautiful Baby" or something like that. I, of scathing-email-in-response-to-spam-forwards fame, haven't replied telling them what I really think of their request.

Here's where I stand. I know you think your baby is cute (such an abused word!) and beautiful and cuddly, and you are most probably right and I will most probably agree with you. Trouble is, so does everybody else entering their babies in the competition. So, the way I see it, when I vote for your baby, I'm saying I think the other babies are less cute (God, I hate that word!), which is not true.

Honestly, to persons other than family, babies looks like babies. Nice and soft and little and amusing. Not one cuter (kill me now!) than the other. Some of you might say I hold this view because I haven't yet met an ugly baby and you may be right; but I really don't think pitting the little persons against each other in a contest of appearance really proves anything or is even entertaining in any way. So the next time you enter your baby into a contest, leave me out of the vote petition list please. I'd rather not have an opinion in the matter.

It must be my name

I wonder what else might make me a soft target for stuff like this?

Dear f (name changed to protect the remnant shards of my identity),

Please drop me a mail if you want to transfer money from UK to India so that I can help you out in booking the transfer and also see to that you get a good exchange rate for your transfer form UK to India

As a Relationship Manager I will see to that the money reaches to your bank account safely

Waiting for you

Regards
Paul Stephen Jayraj
Relationship Manager

Waiting for me...seriously? No one's done that for me before. Awww.

Who are you again?

Doesn't it get your goat when...

...you are entering your address into a web form on a US website, they give you a dropdown menu to choose the country your order originates from, but in the "State" section, only give you US states to choose from, and then, as if to push you over the edge, throw up an error message to say "Please check the field(s) marked * and amend your entry"?

Ergo, I am now resident in Oxford, which is in the state of Illinois, in the United Kingdom.

Aaaaarrrrgggh!

Fare Trade

There was much rolling of eyes between Dot and me, when our local church announced a "Fairtrade fortnight". What does that mean, you ask? I'm not sure I quite know what it is myself. Fairtrade (yes, it is a brand) and ethical shopping are the latest fads doing the rounds.

It is all the rage to have the picture of a black person (who is generally quite well and happy looking, but with tatty clothes) with Fairtrade branding emblazoned across. The implicit message: Buy our products. Save the world. Especially this poor black man/woman/child. Pay more than you would to assuage your guilt about having more money than this black person.

Fairtrade is being pushed more as a brand and less as a concept, with everybody and his mate rushing to claim a slice of the pie. There are several aspects to trading fairly, and I know and understand only a few of them. Yet the policy seems to be 'lets charge more for average-ish quality and do a little group hug, snug in the feeling that we've faced up to poverty and done something about it', with the Fairtrade lot laughing all the way to the bank.

It'd be interesting to see a Fairtrade product that's superior in quality and actually priced lower than the "unfair" (for want of a better word) ones. It'd be interesting to see how many of the middlemen and importer profits can be cut, so that I, the consumer, am not the only one contributing to the the better prices for the producers, and to ensure that the prices the producers eventually get are indeed better.

The moral of the story...go figure!

Context: I am looking to change mobile phone providers, and 3 Global Networks offers a range of phones called the X-Series, which are Skype compatible. Dot wanted to investigate the offer for me and logged on to a LiveChat tech support utility on the 3 website.

[aa] What are the x-series rates for India from the UK
[Nargis] Hi.
[aa] Hi
[Nargis] Are you an existing customer with 3?
[aa] Yes, but asking in order to recommend to a new customer
[Nargis] Could you pls elaborate on your query.
[aa] I just wanted to check what the rates were from the UK to India using the X-series phone using Skype out or any other means
[Nargis] If you have access to skype on the handset and also the other person has an access to it you would not be cherged then.
[Nargis] If you sign up online today we will give you a promotional code which gives you a free bluetooth headset
[Nargis] the code is bt10090719 and the code is valid till midnight today so you need to do it soon ok
[Nargis] The code is valid till midnight today. And you might want to write the code down, as the conversation disappears when we are finished talking …
To claim your free bluetooth headset, simply enter the given code in the Promotional Code box which is at the bottom of the Personal Details page
While stocks last, with every compatible handset, each customer will receive a free 512Mb Memory card.
[Nargis] Pls note this code down and give it to your friend.
[Nargis] I hope you have taken down the code.
[Nargis] Is there anything else I can help you with?
[aa] so otherwise it is the Skype rate to India?
[Nargis] It would be free.
[aa] That is Skype-to-Skype
[aa] What about Skype-to-phone?
[Nargis] It would be free.
[aa] You dont seem to understand my question I am afraid
[Nargis] If the handset supports the feature it would be free.
[aa] Are you aware that it is possible to call from Skype to a regular telephone (i.e., not another skype user). This is charged by skype
[aa] What I would like to know is what 3s charges for this are
[Nargis] customers that services accessed via Skype will use their megabyte allowance just like any other material they download. Skype's claim of 'free calls' is subject to this megabyte limitation. Remind customers that this is no different to accessing Skype from the office or on their home broadband connection.
[aa] alright...that makes sense...So it will be charged at the regular skype rates?
[Nargis] We provide you with only internet connection to skype for any further queries pls contact www.skype.com
[aa] Sure.. thanks
[Nargis] I hope you have taken down the code.

Check Please!

Why I get lukewarm shoddy service, at best, from Indian waiters at any Indian restaurant I go to, outside India, I have never understood. With a few exceptions, I have found that generally, you will have a menu shoved into your hands on your way to the table, will have to do everything short of stand on your chair to draw their attention, your order will be dumped unceremoniously in front of you, your plates will get cleared before you've finished, and from start to finish you will have to contend with a surly, moody maitre'd and his similarly mannered retinue. It's particularly weird because you'll have a table next to you with non-Indian customers and the same lot of wait staff seem to be falling over themselves to please, and whether the restaurant is fancy and pricey, or cheap and cheerful, the same observations hold.

All that said, I probably haven't been to a multitude of Indian restaurants outside of India. It's a vicious circle for me. I anticipate the poor service and I don't want to go. I know that stellar service can more than make up for average food, but if the service sucks, the food had better be seriously good.

A Quick Refresher in Logic

Girl cousin is expecting her T.Y.B.Com (final year, Bachelor of Commerce) results today. Mumbai University has made available a website on which people can check results - in theory that is. All I have been getting for the last four hours is "the server at www.mu.ac.in is taking too long to respond" and mostly blank pages with a few scattered broken links to images.

Fact 1- Tens of thousands of students took this exam.
Fact 2 (resulting from Fact 1) - All of these students will have some result or another.
Fact 3 (resulting from Fact 2) - Almost all of these students will, in this day and age, have access to the Internet, and if they don't, may even make special arrangements for access, to log on to a given website and check the results - and yes, this will all happen at the time the results are declared.

Isn't it then only logical that there will be tens of thousands of hits on the given website, all around the same time? I wonder what it takes to realise this and make sure the website is up and running (well) at the time it is needed the most. This is India we are talking about - the globally acclaimed technological superpower. Why?

Can you stop the bombs please?!

This is not about Iraq.

It is about bombing my mailbox with forwarded e-mail that goes 'this-is-so-bloody-funny', 'you-will-die-or-rot-in-hell-if-you-don't-send-this-to-millions', 'you-are-a-heartless-bastard-if-you-hit-delete', 'you-are-my-mostest-bestest-friend-in-the-whole-galaxy' and tons of other tripe. I will not have it. I am a sucker for funny, and I do appreciate the odd tidbit from friends, but I hate people picking up my address from someone else's list to send me arbitrary mailings or just hitting 'forward' because they don't want to die because they didn't. Hate is the word. I will tell you (and badly) that your unsolicited mass mailing is not appreciated. I know you think of me and it makes me very happy. It would make me much happier if you didn't hit 'forward' every time you did.

P.S. You could shout the title of this post in the manner of Richard O'Brien in Crystal Maze - "Can you start the fans please?!" (Ping me if you need a crash course in '90s television appreciation.)

Talking Dirty

The one big difference I find between job advertisements here and those in India is in talking about money.

Let's face it - how much we get paid has a lot to do with why we're doing that job. Here, when a job is advertised, you are told clearly what the grade of the job is (for sectors like government, university, health), which corresponds to a predefined scale, or you are told what the salary offered is - plain and simple. This may be a generalisation, but from experience, I can say it is largely true. In India, however, other than government jobs where the grade is advertised, every other posting reads "salary will not be a constraint for a deserving candidate", "a compensation to match the best in the industry", "salary will be commensurate with experience", or better still, "apply with expected salary", or no mention of salary at all!

The talk of money is considered dirty and unnecessary, and that makes me raving mad! All the subjectivity and airy-fairyness (sic) in discussing wages is a waste of the advertisers' and applicants' time. Is 'deserving' not a subjective attribute? What are the best salaries in the industry? Is 'experience' perfectly commensurable? I could 'expect' the world - would you give it to me? It is hugely unfair to keep applicants in the dark about what the salary set aside for a position is. You could either sell yourself short or be seen as expecting too much and thus not be considered favourably.

I remember looking for a job when I got back from doing a Masters' degree in Australia. As usual, the ad had no mention of a salary. I applied, got called for the interview, and was offered the job, all without any mention of what the salary was going to be. I tried hard to be diplomatic and introduce the delicate subject. They asked me what I 'expected'. When I replied appropriately, I was promptly asked what my last salary was. I was a bit cheeky and asked whether they wanted my last Australian salary or my last Indian one. They didn't think it was funny at all and said "Indian". I told them and they said "we'll offer you four thousand rupees more than that". I lost it at that point. I said, "it's been a year and a half since I earned that salary, and I have since got a Masters' degree, worked the whole time, and I am much better equipped and skilled than I was a couple of years ago. They turned around and said, "but you can't go to a very high salary just like that". Needless to say, I didn't take the job. This wasn't very long ago and I don't know how much it has changed. If the job ads in the Times of India's Ascent supplement are anything to go by, it's still not looking good.

I am older and wiser, and I am all for talking dirty!

What I Like to Call Robbery

Boy cousin comes to visit us this weekend, which I am really looking forward to! We have train tickets to do London this weekend – it’s a ‘pilgrimage’ we make with almost all visiting family and friends who are interested. It is about an hour away from Oxford by train (fast train, might I add) and an hour and a half (with no roadworks and no accidents waiting to be cleared off the motorway) by coach. London’s got lots of things to see and do, as you would know, and if you don’t have the luxury of plenty of time, it can get a bit mad. We have realised that London’s just as lovely simply walking around and not actually getting into any of the major attractions. Buy yourself a Day Travelcard and use the tube and bus to get around and ‘see’ most of London. The banks of the Thames, St Paul’s Cathedral, the houses of Parliament, the London Eye, the Buckingham Palace gardens, Leicester Square, Hyde Park…you know where I’m going with this. If you really want to see things from the inside, there are still quite a few that you can do for free – some we’ve done include the Tate Modern and the National Gallery. All of this brings me to what prompted me to do this post. While planning a loose itinerary for Sunday, I thought we could do Madame Tussaud’s (yes, we’ve been here one year and haven’t done it yet). I went to their website to look up opening times and ticket prices and I was aghast at the £25.00 that they charge as a walk-up entry fee!! Children under 5 years of age go free apparently, but then who would want to take an under-five to a museum with wax models of celebrities?! The London Eye costs a slightly more reasonable £14.50 but you have to queue for hours to get through and if you want to ‘fast-track’ yourself, you have to, you guessed it, shell out more - £22.50 on this occasion! All these are costs for one person, and as dot rightly pointed out, look frightening when multiplied suitably for a group. I think it is robbery, plain and simple.

I do understand that it is expensive to maintain the structures and keep them attractive and visitor-friendly. I suppose regulating the number of visitors is also a challenge, but it’s funny how the numbers don’t seem to go down despite the ridiculous prices and you can see that they’re milking it for all it’s worth! It makes me mad! Discussing this issue with dot, he reminded me that there were different (higher) entry fees for non-Indians at monuments and other tourist attractions in India and we discussed that though it may seem unfair on the face of it, if you think about it, it’s nowhere near how much you have to shell out elsewhere.

That’s my rant for the day done then. I must add though that Tussaud’s or no Tussaud’s, London on a spring day should be a right treat and we’re all looking forward to it.

P.S. GroupSave with 2for1 Entry is worth looking into if you are three or more adults travelling together.